


Blacking The Looking Glass

by sparkinside



Category: AFI
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 05:37:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2801546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkinside/pseuds/sparkinside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes its easier to hide than to face who we truly are. Caught between honesty and fear, Davey is forced to make a choice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blacking The Looking Glass

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alice_angel_fic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alice_angel_fic/gifts).



> **Disclaimer:** Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

Paper and bottles covered the hardwood floor and I found myself staring in stunned horror at the wreckage before me. How only a handful of people could create such a mess, I’d never understand. And of course they had all left me to handle the fall out. Some friends. With a shake of my head, I moved farther into the room. If I didn't start cleaning now I knew I’d be up all night.

“Well fuck,”a bemused voice echoed from the hall behind me. Jumping nearly a foot in the air and clutching my chest, I spun rapidly around, my eyes catching on the smiling form of one of my oldest friends. His blue eyes sparkled with laughter as he watched me struggle to calm myself enough to speak.

“Adam Carson!” I all but shouted at him, making sure my glare settled directly on his face. He simply laughed and shook his head.

“You need to lay off the tea, man. It’s fucking with your calm.”

I shot him another glare, “Oh fuck off, Carson.” He simply laughed, shrugging it off. Sometimes his calm nature bothered me. The way he never let anything bother him. No matter what the situation was, he seemed to glide through it like it was nothing. I knew that wasn't always the case, I’d seen him break down. Seen him at his worst, but still... “What are you still doing here, anyway? I thought you’d have left when Jade and Hunt bailed.”

Adam shrugged once more, “Figured you could use the help.” He cocked his head towards the disaster area that had once been my living room.

It was my turn to laugh. “Thanks.” He smiled and shrugged his shoulders before brushing past me and into the room. The way he carried himself never ceased to amaze me. His subtle, but unyielding confidence, mixed with the shy nature he had never fully outgrown was something so perfectly Adam.

I pulled my eyes away, knowing that I had no desire to explain my staring. I focused instead on the pile of magazines strewn across the coffee table. I shook my head, moving to straighten them, anything to keep myself from staring and to keep my hands busy.

“I think the magazines are the least of your worries, Dave,” he chimed in with a smile. I shrugged and finished stacking them, offering him a sheepish smile in reply once I was done. Adam simply shook his head and began to gather up various bits of wrapping paper that had been tossed all over the floor, balling them before tossing them into the trash can near the window. “You really should threaten people with clean up duty next time, you know. It was your birthday man, sucks that you’re left to take care of the mess.”

“Could be worse, at least they didn't burn the house down. THEN I would have had to kick some ass.”

Adam laughed, tossing his head back. “You would, Dave. You would.”

“Damn right I would,” I replied, laughing myself. This was nice. It had been far too long since we’d been able to just sit back and joke with each other like this. I missed it. He shook his head, still chuckling to himself, and resumed tossing wrapping paper and any other piece of trash he happened upon into the trash can.

“Fucking pigs,” I heard him mumble under his breath several times and I couldn’t help nodding in agreement. As much as I loved my friends and my other bandmates, this was absolutely ridiculous. Sometimes I wondered if they really were pigs in a past life. Fucking slobs.

Adam’s grumbling was replaced with muffled laughter a few minutes later. I turned quickly to face him, ignoring the pile of dishes I had been gathering, setting them on the edge of the table. I’d take them to the kitchen later.

A smile broke out over my face when I saw the pink feathered boa Adam clutched in his hands. It had been a gag gift from Jeffree, one of the few that I would actually ever willingly show another living soul. “Pink isn't your color, babe,” I quipped with a smirk.

He shook his head, wrapping the boa around his neck. “What you’re saying it doesn't match my outfit?” he scoffed and with a roll of his eyes he added “Bitch” as an after thought.

I doubled over with laughter at this, feeling my eyes begin to water. Laughter erupted from Adam as well and soon we were both cackling like school girls instead of cleaning. It didn't matter to me though, not at that moment. I had my friend back and that was all that mattered.

Once our laughter had died down, we were left sitting in relative silence. We both looked at each other waiting for one of us to speak, waiting for something to make the silence fade. It was strange really, how sitting in silence with him had become uncomfortable. We used to be able to do so for hours, it had been comforting, safe, then. It was strange now and I hated it.

“So,” I began tentatively. This was strange, the uncertainty between us. We used to be so close, we used to be able to talk about anything. I could see in his eyes that he sensed the change too. I knew he did.

“So,” he echoed. I watched as he rolled his thumbs together, tapping his foot in a soft, irregular beat. It was something he did when he was nervous or uncertain, something he had done for years. The fact that he was doing that here, right now, with me, wasn't lost on either of us.

Adam shifted, settling himself on the floor. He stretched his arms over his head, yawning. I simply shook my head. “Tired already? You’re getting old, Carson.”

He rolled his eyes, raising his hand to flip me off. “You’re all of nine months younger than me, Dave. So shove it.”

Laughing, I returned the gesture with a smirk. “Nine months is a lifetime, Gramps.”

Again, he rolled his eyes. I shook my head, turning my attention back to the dishes I’d left on the table. They certainly weren't going to walk themselves into the dishwasher. With a slight groan, pushed myself up from the couch.

“Who’s the Gramps now?” Adam laughed, cocking an eyebrow.

“Oh fuck off.” Grabbing the dishes from the table, I stomped off to the kitchen, muttering curses. It was more for show than anything and I knew Adam knew that. Balancing the dishes in one hand, I fumbled with the handle of the dishwasher, yanking it open.

I could hear him chuckling and it wasn't hard to picture the way I knew he shook his head as he did so. Gently placing the pile of dishes on the edge of the sink and turning on the hot water, I set myself to work, humming as I rinsed each cup and plate before depositing them in the dishwasher. As much as I wanted to just drop them in the sink and forget about them til the next morning, I knew it would drive me mad if I did.

So I set about my routine of rinsing, loading and humming, every once in a while hearing Adam’s muttering filtering in from the living room. I let in meld with the rush of the running water.

“Dave.” I jumped at the sudden sound of my name being called. Turning towards the open doorway of the kitchen I found Adam leaning against the wall with a small, blue photo album in his hand. An album I knew by sight alone. An album I should have probably rid myself of a long time ago. “What is this?”

I couldn't force myself to hold his gaze. His eyes burned me and I could feel the bile rising slowly in my throat. “Old photos,” I whispered, praying he would drop this yet something inside of me hoped he wouldn't.

The confusion and uncertainty in his eyes were the only things betraying his otherwise stoic expression. Wordlessly, I watched as he opened the album, thumbing slowly through the pages. “Of us,” he murmured, his tone never wavering. I nodded. “Why?” He was choosing his words carefully, everything slight move he made told me this. Every guarded expression that flitted through his eyes betrayed it. He was guarding himself from me. In all the years I’d known him, Adam had never guarded himself from me. The fact that he did so now, stung.

“I don’t know,” I found myself whispering. It was a lie and we both knew it, but it was all I could force myself to say. His reaction unnerved me. Risking any more of myself was out of the question. I couldn't do it, not even for him.

The look in his eyes all but screamed he knew I was being less than truthful with him. They taunted me, challenging me to tell him the truth. To confess. And I never hated him more than I did at that moment. We both knew the answer, why did I have to say it aloud?

“Just forget about it, Adam. It doesn't matter.” Though I gave my best imitation of sincerity and nonchalance, we both knew I was running away from what we both needed to face. It was easier that way, and right then easy was the only thing I wanted to handle.

His eyes widened only a fraction of a bit, but still enough for me to register the change. I watched as his hands tensed and relaxed around the smooth plastic of the album’s binding, the way his knuckles slowly lost all color as he did this. He didn't utter a sound, just stood there, watching me.

“Really, Adam. Don’t worry about it. It’s just a few pictures, they don’t mean anything.” Lies are a funny thing, you tell one and suddenly you find yourself caught in a web of them. And that was exactly where I found myself. I’d been lying to him, to myself for years. It was easier that way. If I didn't face it, if I pushed it away, then it didn't matter. I could still be myself, I could face him everyday and it wouldn't matter. We could joke and laugh and do the stupid shit we always did and nothing would change it. It wouldn't mean anything but what it had always meant.

With darkened eyes, he shook his head at me. Disgust. It was painted across his face. It manifested itself in the way he stood, the way he glared at me, the way he tensed. Everything in him screamed of it. “For someone so good at acting, you are one shitty liar.”

He dropped the album on the counter still shaking his head. I stared at him, my mind still scrambling to process everything. What he had said, what I had said, what it all had come to mean. My mind was drowning in the confusion and chaos of the situation.

I watched in stunned silence as he turned from the room. Watched as he rounded the corner, making his way to my front door. He didn't utter a word, didn't make a sound. It was unnerving. I had never seen him like this. Never been on the receiving end of the few, but powerful, bursts of anger he’d had.

“Adam!” I yelled after him, dropping the cup I had been clasping in my hand into the sink. I sprinted after him without thinking. He was angry and a part of me knew I should just let him leave, let him cool down. That would be smarter, safer. That was rational. But my mind was far from rational at that point. Rational had been shut down, instinct and panic taking its place.

I rounded the corner as he pulled the front door open with a hard jerk. He paused only slightly, not bothering to turn towards me.

“Wait! Adam, seriously, just stop. Talk to me. Please.” I hated begging, detested it, but I couldn't just let him walk out. Not like that. Not when I didn't understand why behind all the anger, disgust and disbelief, a subtle but steady glimmer of pain reflected in his eyes. I had tried to rationalize it to myself. I was lying to him, I’d never lied to him before. That was it...Wasn't it?

Adam scoffed bitterly but he didn't turn around. He just stood there as if he were waiting for me to make a move. I stood there, staring dumbly at his back. What was I supposed to do? Just tell him I missed him? Missed what we had? That even though he regretted it, I cherished the month we shared? That was stupid, pointless. It was in the past. We’d moved on, let it go. It was over, done with. It was in the past...for everyone but me.

Several minutes passed, him standing in the arch of the doorway, me behind him standing silently. Waiting, uncertain and unsure. “Call me when you’re ready to be honest,” Adam whispered as he slowly made his way from my door into the silence of the night.

It wasn't until I watched his beat up Sedan, the one he refused to trade in, refused to give up on, pull out of my driveway that it truly hit me. He was gone. And for the first time in years, I felt my eyes burning with tears. I’d fucked this up. Adam was a man of his word, honest to a fault. And because of this I knew that until I could face this, face myself, I had lost the one person who meant the world to me.


End file.
